it's easier not to

My love for you is scary. I live in fear of your betrayal, my loss, and utter heartbreak.

I had always hoped you needed me the way I needed you--that you were capable of reciprocation. That you could love me back, and mean it. I watched you with undying hope; an unflagging faith in my power to elicit your unconditional love, your friendship.

I still love you through your failure. I've come to know your disappointment, though I begin to wonder: where does it become a detriment to me? At what point does my love for you entangle my despair and a growing self-loathing? You are both my biggest hope and worst fear. A complicated imbroglio of my confusion.

But my hope lives on, eternal in its patience, and I will never turn away from you. That is my love. I can't help it.

animation

I remember when I first read Voltaire's famous quote: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." It made me laugh. I sat in pensive agreement and mulled over the thought of a lifetime without laughter--a thought too unreal to consider with any seriousness.

My household has always been filled with the melodious euphony of laughter. I remember waking every Saturday morning to the sounds of my mother's uproarious amusement at my father's jokes. They'd lie in bed for what seemed like hours just laughing, and though I didn't understand the jokes, I felt the warm buzz of delight from hearing her unrestrained joy.

When I was old enough, I, enjoyed admission to the adult realm of humor. The jokes I'd heard during my childhood materialized into concrete significance; a testament to my parents' amusement with the world. And I joined the fun.

I watched the best television- seinfeld and the simpsons; got lost in decades- old episodes of monty python which I imitated to my 5th grade peers. I was the go-to girl for a laugh. We'd snicker, giggle, guffaw, and chortle at every opportunity.
The funniest person in any given room, I enjoyed the prestige and humble power of my ability to leave my peers in stitches.

I earned the highest degree of celebrity during high school for not only my quirky laugh, but also my (sometimes elusive) sense of humor. I'd recite from my arsenal of jokes at the drop of a hat, and was always rewarded with the merriment of my audience.

My parents bestowed onto me what is possibly the greatest gift I could imagine: the ability to turn the world into my own personal comedy. I enjoy the better part my time wearing a bemused grin at the absurdity of the world. The minutia of my daily experiences do not escape humorous appreciation, and I think God would like it that way.

institutionalized

I took my watch off.

I'm not sure why; maybe for the change. Left it on my dresser, and drove off, disarmed by the absence of surety.

It felt like days not knowing the time. Any progression of events lacked sense without the marked importance of minutes and hours. I missed the comfort and guidance provided by the reliable, accurate tick-tock of my favorite amenity. My day's decisions seemed less navigable, and I, confused.

But I noticed: the sun seems to shine forever when I'm not wearing a watch. Time moves on discretely, asking little of me. I watch the sun set beneath the horizon, offering a fleeting glimpse of perfection; unspeakable beauty, but asking nothing of me in return.

I feel selfish.

and jealous.

My possibilities suddenly seem endless, and I am freer without the weight of a judging clock. I wish to want nothing, and be unbounded by the constraints of the human-induced penitentiary of time.

It is dark now; it is silent and infinite.
It is 9:36 and I am relieved.

impeded

I dream that one day, I will wake up and not hate the world. I'd feel well-rested at the crack of dawn and take a jog to see the sunrise. And I'd know I deserve it.

I want to believe happiness is possible. I want happiness to be my possibility, my probability. My reality, and not the abstract longing that dulls the most vibrant colors, and cheapens a sweet melody.

I want to re-experience everything. Live it all over and change the meanings. When you look at me, I want you to see someone who loves you with unbounded passion. I want to return it, unfettered by the severe gravity of profound sadness. And I want to mean it.

I want to move. I want to jump and dance, just because. I want to walk with a bounce and smile at strangers. I want to sing and scream and be seen. It's somewhere I've never been.

I want to be wanted. Needed. And I want to stop the bleeding.

I want to demolish sorry. I am not. I won't apologize, and I won't regret it.

And I will sleep at night.

And dream of waking up to a world of love.