some nerve

today my father cradled me in his arms
for the first time
in eight years
and said,
I love you.

I love you,
and cried
into my shoulder.

tell me,
father,
where was your shoulder
when I needed to cry?

you left me
your baby girl
your daughter
for the cold plastic
and rubber
of your favorite remote control.

did you think of me
while you were plastered
to the couch,
drooling
on what we could have shared?

no.
you turned the volume up
or changed the channel.
you flopped over,
and finished your slumber.
while I screamed your name
for eight years.

this feels
to me
a bit like remote control.

an ode

they give us these
--it's not our choice--
and we are judged
before our voice.
but here they are,
they must be crucial,
or else this material would not be so fruitful.
Here they sit,
(some call them tits),
these chest protruders
make rude men ruder.
melons, girls, and sometimes and boobs
my boyfriend often says "jahoobs"
twins, hoohas,
you've got a, nice rack,
I was talking,
have you lost track?
twins because there are two,
knockers, also, but you can't come through.
tata's, titties, itty- bitties
it's not true that small ones are shitty.
and some say, honkers, though they don't make noise
I've gotten so sick of being touched by boys.
jerks who call them hooters
ought to be neutered
"fun bags" is even worse
if you want to play you better ask first.
cutesy names are sometimes nice;
except headlights or mosquito bites.
flat and flabby when we're old and crabby,
when we're young, men get grabby.
Round or plump
or thin and small
it's even ok if you've none at all.
try and be thankful for what you've got
because it's special, this twin crop.

for the millionth time

If there's something I know, it's being fat;
I've always been quite good at that.
Sweat,treadmills,diet pills,
torture 'til I've had my fill.
Acupuncture and Weight loss shakes
do not a thin women make.
Ab rollers and south beach, too
I've spent days in spanx
'til I turn blue.
Herbal remedies, Jenny Craig,
special tea, drink the dregs.
I've tried everything, alli too,
low-carb diets erase my stool.
And when I'm done I'll check my mirror
adjust my eyes to see me clearer,
front view forward,
side view next...
what's he thinking when we have sex?
lift this here, jiggle that
drown in the gravity of being fat.
look at these legs,
they're like trees.
I stare at myself and feel obese.
double chins and muffin tops,
this dieting thing is such a flop.

valentine's day is all year

I am fourteen again when my boyfriend of four years tells me that I am "the bomb."
A "munchkin bomb," to be exact, because I apparently resemble an exploding donut... or midget. Maybe I am just a small bomb?

I haven't figured this out yet.

Yes, he says, I am the bomb. I am cool. I am Cute. He likes my smile, and I'm the entire package. The entire explosive package. And I hold his hand, mine.

I don't know what a "munchkin bomb" is, and I've decided not to ask. I like his clever pet names; endearing and sweet. Nonsensical, no doubt, but isn't love, sometimes?

divorced

my definition of forever changed when you said goodbye. we all did, really.
to normalcy. to comfort. to old expectations.
we all did.

I didn't think we'd be here forever, not really. But part of me wanted to.
stay embedded warm comforts of home. soak in the laughter of elation-- if only for a little while longer.

time is such a bitch, we've always said that. thrust upon us without warning, and "here, you deal."

I guess we will, somehow. In our own, separate ways.

and though I was prepared for forever, time seems slower now that you're gone. Now that we all are.

indebted

sometimes, I think,
this was all made for me.

In my moment of selfishness the world blooms immodestly before me;
For a moment I believe I deserve it.
it's a longish moment that sets time ablaze,
and I am just in awe.
I unfold like spring,
born anew.

asking nothing, I'm handed the world.
Here, digest,
but chew slow.

I will.

harvesting season

you
are my forbidden fruit
golden delicious.
a tantalizing torture:
innocence
and sin
embedded within.

a tango of seduction
ripe skin waiting,
ready to be plucked

dangle before me
and we will entangle,
entwined.
you are a
succulent
debauchery.

I will
drink
you in like a deep breath,
devour you whole
and you will be mine
until there's none left.